BackHow to Avoid a Family Feud in Conversations about Older Parents
Article submitted by Arnie Snyder, owner of Elder Life Advisors, LLC. Elder Life Advisors, LLC assists adult children and elderly parents with advance planning and problem solving, to make proactive decisions about the elderly parents' home and environment; care and services; and life and legacy issues. He can be reached at 303-730-6432, or visit www.ElderLifeAdvisors.com
Remember the silly stuff you and your siblings used to fight about? Your favorite toys; who got to sit next to the window in the car; maybe even who Mom loved best. In grown-up family conversations about older parents, the stakes are a lot higher. Only this time, your elderly parents are stakeholders in conversations about their own future.
When the serious conversations begin, families are confronted with volatile issues touching on their parents' health, mental capacity, driving, living arrangements, caregiving, finances, and legal decisions.
If you've experienced this yourself, you know that trying to get on the same page with parents and siblings can run into huge obstacles. Brothers and sisters may be separated by geography, hundreds or even thousands of miles apart. Emotional distance plays into the drama. Many adult children haven't really gotten to know each other as adults, so when conflict comes up, there can be a knee-jerk return to childhood roles - the oldest and wisest; the baby of the family; the black sheep. Points of view may differ in ways that are in conflict with each other, and not necessarily in your parents' best interest.
The main character in any discussion about eldercare must be, of course, your elderly parent. It is he or she who will benefit from your care; it is your parents' needs which are paramount. Even in the best-intentioned families there is potential for disagreement and conflict.
What is the best way to discuss the elderly parents' needs? Or is there a "best" way?
Bringing up the Topic - A Few Cautions
Have you found it difficult even to bring up the subject? Most of us - though not all - grow up with a sense that our parents have things mostly under control. One day, you learn that you'll need to play a bigger role in Mom's or Dad's life than you've been accustomed to. Beginning the conversation about housing, caregiving, money, or final arrangements feels awkward. As you grope for the right thing to say, or how to say it, your stomach churns, and your heart feels like it's taken up residence in your throat. The temptation is to procrastinate - to hope or pray that it's not as bad as it seems, or that somehow it will get better. That's how it plays out in a lot of families. Don't let it happen in yours.
The opposite situation occurs when adult children over-react and try to take over their parents' lives. The Baby Boomer enthusiasm for tackling and solving problems can work at cross purposes with a win-win solution. Not only does this approach usurp the parents' rights and prerogatives, it robs them of their dignity. For a parent who's experiencing declining health, it can be especially unsettling. An older person with even mild dementia, for example, requires an extra measure of calm and patience. He or she may require more time to think and reflect; to make a decision and stick to it. It's better to invest in the process and be prepared to take as much time as you will need.
As you labor to find the middle ground between saying or doing too much, or too little, consider three ways to improve your likelihood of a mutually satisfactory outcome for your family:
Avoid Procrastination
The sooner you and your family begin regular conversations with your parents about aging-related concerns, the easier it will be for all of you to learn from the interactions and to improve your results. With a bit more lead time, you can introduce issues as "what if," instead of "what now." A hypothetical discussion about a possible future event, such as a decline in driving ability, can empower everyone in your family to engage in a sober discussion of options, without undue emotion. Keep notes on your discussion, decisions, and the thinking behind each. The practice you get in conducting these conversations regularly will make it much easier to continue the dialog when more pressing problems arise.
Prepare for the Conversation
Prepare for the discussion by identifying topics of concern - the ones you're aware of right now, or those which may lie in the future - living arrangements, driving, chores, caregiving, finances, legal matters, etc. Your parents may have mentioned a few of their concerns already. If so that's a natural place to begin, building on the foundation. You and your siblings may have had some informal conversation with each other. You may have personal observations to share. Or you may be experiencing an urgent situation that drives the immediate agenda. In proceeding, remember the wise counsel of Dr. Stephen Covey: "Seek first to understand, then to be understood."
How to Keep the Family in Control
Finally, try to avoid a battle for control that runs the risk of throwing everyone off-balance and off-task. Your elderly parents have enough to worry about. They may have to contend with loss of control on multiple fronts, in both physical and psychological dimensions. Bodies become uncooperative; minds may be other-minded. Dad or Mom may no longer be able to go where they are accustomed to going, nor to do what they prefer to do. Grown-up kids may be acting as though they were the elder's parents. Respect the issue of control. As an elderly person contemplates his or her life in context, the issue of control is linked inseparably with their sense of meaning and purpose. The more your elderly parents can participate actively in decisions that influence their lives, the higher their sense of control and the more likely they will be to cooperate. The same is true for you and your siblings.
Conclusion
Strong, healthy family communication can make the process of aging much more bearable for your elderly parent and your entire family. It doesn't need to be perfect, and it doesn't need to be done all at once. But it can give your family a clear sense of direction, with flexibility to adjust your decisions with changing circumstances. The important thing is to get started.
© 2009, by Elder Life Advisors, LLC, P.O. Box 621518, Littleton, CO 80162-1518. Tel. 303-730-6432
www.ElderLifeAdvisors.com