BackI DON’T NEED HELP!
Article submitted by Patty Masterson-Kane and Patty Hemphill, Licensed Clinical Social Workers and partners in Elder Care Options, LLC, a Geriatric Care Management Agency. They are available for consultation and can be reached at 201-848-8539
“My parents need help, but Dad won’t let anyone in the house. I don’t know what to do.” Thus began our relationship with the Grant family. Karen, an only child, living in another state, was concerned about her Dad’s ability to continue caring for her 80 year old Mom with advanced Alzheimer’s disease. Mr. Grant, a strong willed individual, accustomed to being in charge, did not want strangers coming into his home. As Geriatric Care Managers, we frequently encounter this scenario. Seniors are often suspicious of anyone coming into their home; especially someone they fear may try to take away their autonomy. We believe it is important to preserve a senior’s dignity and respect their life experiences and individuality.
When we go into the home for an initial, free consultation, our primary goal is to connect with our potential client and alleviate any fears. It is important that those we work with understand that we are not coming in to tell them what to do, but rather to find ways to insure that their wishes are carried out. We encourage a senior’s self-reliance in whatever way possible. Often times, seniors want to remain in their own home, but are no longer able to manage safely. Unfortunately, they are often feeling defensive in the face of being told they “need” help. Instead of focusing on whether they “need” help, we try to engage them around whether help in certain areas might be beneficial, even if they can manage without it. When recently speaking to an 82 year old woman about this I made the observation that she didn’t need to go to the beauty parlor every week, she did it because it made her life easier and she felt better. This enabled her to move past needing help meaning being incompetent. We try to empower seniors to live as they wish by offering choices.
As family members think about raising issues of accepting help with their loved one, it is important to avoid falling into a power struggle. Instead of telling your parent what you think they need, it is helpful to listen for their concerns. They may say things like, “I don’t drive at night anymore” or “it’s hard getting the vacuum up and down the stairs”. You can use any opening like this to raise the idea of getting some help. Approaching it as a discussion rather than focusing on what you think they need is paramount. We all want to feel we have choices and our opinions and wishes matter. If you can convey this to your loved one, you have a much better chance of avoiding a power struggle and helping them accept help, not because they “need” it, but because it would make their life better and you would worry less.